Can we smoke in here?

Let’s have a recap on my day, shall we?

 

1:30 am – finally get to sleep.

3:30 am – wake up. Decide to check e-mail. In the dark.

3:35 am – break wine glass.

3:36 am – swear

3:38 am – grope way to light switch without shredding feet.

3:40 am – get dressed to go on balcony to get broom

3:47 am – try to connect to internet

3:50 am – do crossword instead of checking e-mail

4:30 am – stop doing crossword. doze off.

6:30 am – wake up. set alarm for 7:30

7:30 am – alarm goes off

7:45 am – alarm goes off

8:00 am – alarm goes off

8:15 am – alarm goes off

8:20 am – alarm goes off

8:25 am – drag ass, red-eyed and puffy, out of bed

8:37 am - dash to cab! get laughed at for trying to make myself (successfully!) understood

 

In the 5 hours I was at work, I:

 

x. Drank 4 cups of coffee – two at a time.

 

x. Gave myself an electric shock (twice) with my external hard drive. The external hard drive that works just fine in my laptop. The hard drive that works on a USB and HAS NO POWER SOURCE. Let’s be perfectly clear: I studied technical theatre in university. I specialised in theatrical lighting at a school that didn’t have the funding for new lights or up-to-date equipment. I hung lights above my head from a shaky ladder. I replaced electric sockets with a screwdriver and an exacto knife. I repaired broken lights and tested them by PLUGGING THEM IN. I dealt with broken and worn out extension cords. I spent hours at a time on grids and scaffolding carrying lights and wrenches around. I dealt with a power grid that had blue-smoke pouring out of it and once, I put out a fire in a table saw. I have gotten more electric shocks in the last six weeks on computer hardware and home-appliances-for-dummies than I have gotten in my entire life collectively. I HATE THAILAND.

 

x. Walked across campus in the heat to the building with internet access. The elevator was turned off, so I walked up to the fifth floor. I somehow stopped paying attention and ended up on the top floor with no more stairs. I turned around to walk down one flight of stairs and went to the wrong office. Turns out the building does NOT have 6 floors, as advertised. It has 7.

 

x. Could not connect to internet. Walked back across campus.

 

x. Was told that there is a SECRET INTERNET SWITCH in the office.

 

x. Walked back across campus. Remember: Thailand is a tropical fucking country. Climbed back up to the fifth floor. Turned on the SECRET INTERNET SWITCH and connected to the internet, and located the map on the website I needed.

 

x. Discovered that the printer didn’t work.

 

ALL BEFORE 10:30 AM.

 

Lunch was “American Fried Rice”. That means: Rice with hotdogs. I didn’t recognize the sauce – it was sweeter than any sauce I’ve had on rice. Halfway through the bowl, I stopped chewing, and looked up at my Thai friend, Pui.

 

“Pui,” I said. “Is this fried in…..ketchup?”

 

“Yes,” she said.

 

“….Ketchup and hotdogs?”

 

“Yes,” she said. “It’s American.”

 

“…..That’s not American!” I said.

 

“What’s in American Fried Rice?” she asked.

 

“THERE’S NO SUCH BLOODY THING.”

 

 

 

In Thailand, construction workers work in bare feet or in plastic flip flops.

 

 

I went to the market and listened to Thais talk blatantly and loudly about ‘farangs’ as I walked past.  Seriously – ‘Farang’ is the first word all foreigners learn. I know you’re talking about me, and while I don’t know what you’re saying, I’m intuitive enough to figure out that the raucous laughter is hardly complimentary. We’re not idiots. Be discreet with your racism.

 

 

I found out at 12:30 that HARPER WON AGAIN. I’m not coming home until Canada sanes itself up.